Transformers: The Movie

I never thought I could hate a movie more than Independence Day or Armageddon. But I do. And that movie is Transformers.

HOLY CRAP THAT MOVIE SUCKED!!!!!!

Words cannot express how horrible that movie was. It was a 90 minute cliche. And for most of it, I had no idea what was going on, why the characters were at certain locations, why they couldn't simply do X instead of the extremely complicated Y.

I have absolutely no idea why Sam had to run the cube to the top of the white building... the event that drove that final 20 minutes of the movie. What the hell was supposed to happen? Why couldn't he just give the cube to an Autobot? Why did they want the cube in the first place? Why was giving the cube to "the military" established as the thing they were all trying to accomplish? What was the whole deal with that girl pausing in an alley before randomly driving backwards a mile back into a battle? There were plenty of Autobots around... where were they? Why even HAVE giant, powerful robots when a stupid little cell phone-sized one basically accomplishes every evil task in the movie with extreme ease? Why did the NSA feel the need to tell everyone in the world exactly what was going on via a television broadcast? Why did they feel the need to recruit "signal analysts" from high school? How could a high school girl with an Australian accent possibly know intimate details of Chinese and Korean military encryption? I love how that token fat black guy had NSA software running on his bedroom PC. Everyone has that. I love how the government hired guys to manually spray MBE1 with cryogenic gas from hand held sprayers for the last 80 years. I love how that battle worn voluptuous beauty kneeling in the middle of the street in a slow-mo scream as a robot flew over her was all smudged with black soot on her skin while her bright blue dress was absolutely pristine. I love how nobody in the movie could hear all of the robotic sounds from sneaking giant robots... but we all could. I love how you can pick up short wave radios from Radio Shack and call military F-22s flying above the city... and have them launch missiles at any target you desire. I love how you can pick up a cell phone in a foreign country, talk to a customer service rep, and get connected to the Pentagon. I love how the communcation OF THE ENTIRE WORLD "goes down" thanks to a virus in the "military network". I love how the NSA leader says that they need to work on restoring WORLD COMMUNICATION immediately. I love how there was magically a Decepticon onboard Air Force One disguised as a radio casually shoved under a seat. I love how that Decepticon, an alien being, knew exactly how to "download the entire military network" in just a few easy keystrokes. I can do that too.

Just an absolutely horrid, horrid movie. Only see it if you want to see a catalog of every possible Hollywood cliche and a remarkable exhibition of logical laziness.

And I'm not the only one.

Damn, I hate that movie. I feel all dirty.